I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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