I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
