you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
