I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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