I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
