Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
