I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
