So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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