dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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