Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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