I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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