You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
