hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
