remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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