I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
