i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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