If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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