what day is it and did you see me today?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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