??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I did not marry a roomba.
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