I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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