Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
