he laminated a picture of his dick.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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