well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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