you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You made out with two different species that night
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
