i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
