I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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