I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
