My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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