Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
