I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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