I just pynch a tree in the face
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
