I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
