I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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