Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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