I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
