I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
