Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
