The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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