I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
