You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
