Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
