Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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