stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
