There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
