I think my vagina is haunted
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
