I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
