Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
