I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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