I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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