It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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